See part one for warnings and acknowledgements.

Rationalising - Part 5

Beka had finally got some sleep, a full six hours before nervous energy woke her up, a new record for her. In the old days Harper used to tease her about how she would wander around the 'Maru in the small hours looking for things to fix. Strange how the engineer drank non-stop caffeine and bounced around like a hyper two year old in the day, but slept like the dead for eight hours straight every night. Except for that one time when she'd caught him... She tried not to think about what Harper did when he thought she was asleep.

She staggered around her room bleary eyed, she needed coffee and fast. Who was she kidding. She shivered and slumped onto her bed, it wasn't coffee she needed. Beka took a few deep breaths, now what was it that Rev used to say? I give my pain to the Universe, it belongs to the Divine. She said the mantra aloud a couple of times, then gave up and got dressed, she'd never had the patience for meditating. Beka needed to do something to take her mind off her morning flash craving. She checked the time, the eight hours Dylan had insisted she spend in her quarters were up, she was free!

Like a homing missile she headed straight for the 'Maru, the list of things that needed fixing on the old wreck buzzing in her head. Then she remembered that the destruction was all Harper's fault, and she turned right around, back to the crew quarters. She'd let the little weasel get away with it so far because of the whole mess with Tyr, but now he was going to pay big time. She pushed the buzzer on his door, then began hammering on it impatiently. How dare he be asleep.

"Dammit Harper wake up! My ship needs fixing!" She started pacing back and forth, in a generally foul mood. She hit the door a few more times until she could hear him moving, then kicked it for good measure, and as practice for when the runt finally faced her.

A minute or so later the door slid open, and a even more wild haired than usual Harper squinted at her." What? OW!"

Beka had kicked him neatly in the shin, not hard enough to damage him, but enough to take the edge off her temper.

"What the hell where you doing in there Harper?" It looked like he hadn't slept at all, his eyes were too bright, and there was a definite nervous twitch."No, forget I asked." It was probably unmentionable. At least he had his clothes on this time.

"Hey, Beka. Are you Ok?" he seemed to be perking up, but not his usual light speed babble. His eyes seemed shadowed.

"Me? I'm fine, peachy. But the 'Maru is fried and it's all your fault..." Beka drew in a deep breath and was about to launch into a tirade about the state of her ship and his inadequacies as an engineer, when he jumped in first.

"I'm so sorry Boss, this whole thing is all my stupid fault. If I'd kept up to date with the 'Maru's maintenance this whole thing would never had happened, but oh no. I was too busy playing with Rommie, chasing the babes, and watching the surfing channel. Some boy wonder I am if I can't keep my friends out of danger. I could've got you killed, too. I'm so stupid, I just keep bouncing along, ignoring the rules and regs, convinced that Harper will always save the day. If I hadn't kept putting off replacing that power relay, and it's such a quick job, what, an hour or two? I'll do anything to make this up to you, just name it. I'll fix the 'Maru up good as new. I'll clean her latrines out. I'll get her some shiny new plating so she matches Rommie. I'll take care of everything, Beka. I promise I'll never let anything like that happen to you again."

Beka stood with her mouth half open, Harper apologising like this was a new twist. Usually it was non-stop, "It wasn't really my fault because.." followed by some implausible excuse like, "A space monster ate us", or "Tyr detonated it". And once, her personal favourite, "How was I supposed to know it was sentient?" Now, Harper just stood in the doorway in a rumpled Hawaiian shirt, looking at her with a guilt-stricken expression. The sympathetic part of her wanted to tell him to not feel bad, it'd be fine. But the rest of her had spent two weeks in a trashed ship with Tyr, and then put through the emotional wringer, and was not in a forgiving mood.

"You're damn right, Harper. This is all your fault. Every second I was stuck on that hell hole with Tyr was your fault. Every blown circuit and smashed component on the 'Maru is your fault. And now, I want you to fix her. And I mean NOW!"

Harper flinched when she shouted at him, then nodded, and grabbed his tools from the floor of his room. Moments later he was trotting barefoot towards the hanger. Beka scowled at him from behind. He had his work cut out for him, for the next month or three. She was going to make him scrub the latrine out with his toothbrush as a further punishment. And what the hell was a 'boy wonder'? Another one of his obscure historical references, probably. The boy lived in the past, you could tell from his shirts; three thousand years of fashion had just passed him by. Not that it really mattered what he wore, he looked scruffy in everything.

Harper didn't say much for the next couple of hours, except "pass the nanowelder". He kept to himself, huddled next to the engine, replacing the EM lens on the slipstream drive. The silence began to wear on Beka's nerves, she hadn't ripped into him that badly. What was eating him? She peered at him over her coffee. She couldn't see his eyes behind the goggles but his mouth was a hard line, and every now and then he'd put down the welder, take a deep breath, then start work again. He seemed more angry than anything, probably thinking of all the work he'd made for himself. Beka smiled faintly. Oh yes, he was going to pay. Starting with that chrome plating, the old girl could do with a facelift.

*

Dylan took a deep breath, he couldn't put this off any longer. Beka was in there right now, working on a dead ship that was never going to fly again. He stood in the hangar and studied the old hauler, unfortunately it was now as bad as it looked. A more thorough sensor scan by Andromeda had shown the damage to be worse than she'd first thought. Rommie had said that it probably wouldn't even make it to the nearest slipstream point without a hull breach. His stomach began to tie itself into a knot. He'd faced Nietzshean fleets and a Magog worldship without feeling sick, but having to tell one of his best friends that the love of her life wasn't spaceworthy anymore was killing him.

She was sitting in the pilots chair, coffee in hand, feet resting on a console, looking relaxed for the first time since she'd been rescued. She looked up at him and smiled. Dylan cringed inside.

"Hey Dylan! Harper's promised to buy the 'Maru some shiny new hull plating, and he's going to clean the head out with his toothbrush. Wanna watch?" She gestured to the rear of the ship. "We could get him to clean it now, if you like. Harper!"

"Ah, that won't be necessary, let's just leave Harper's toothbrush in peace." He took a deep breath, it was now or never. "Beka , the 'Maru was damaged pretty seriously this time..."

"You're telling me. It's going to take Harper months to fix her, all of the internal power..."

"No, Beka." It was all he could say.

She looked at him, confused, not wanting to understand. "He can do it in his spare time, he won't need time off from his duties."

"I'm sorry, but Harper's not going to be doing any work on the 'Maru again. That last crash seriously compromised the structure, there are cracks all the way along her hull, and metal fatigue from repeated crashes and explosions. She's old, and she wasn't designed to be a warship, Beka. Even the best shipyard couldn't repair her, her back's been broken. I'm sorry, but she's no longer spaceworthy. You were lucky she didn't shake apart on take off." There, it was done.

"We can fix her." There was a look of disbelief on her face. "Harper can put together a nanobot swarm to patch her skin up, and we can replace the plating, and I can figure some way to.."

Dylan shook his head gently. "Rommie and I explored those possibilities. Right now the only thing holding the 'Maru together is attitude, and even if we did all we could, the best you could hope for is for her to move and maintain life support. Slipstream would rip her to pieces, and it wouldn't survive even a micro-meteor impact. She's a death trap. I'm sorry Beka, I know how much this ship means to you."

Beks laughed weakly, and ran a hand over her hair. "No, Dylan, I don't think you do. I grew up here, every important event in my life happened here. When I was five years old I broke a tooth on that railing playing chase with my brother. I'm up to my ass in debt from the repairs and docking fees, not to mention the money my Dad still owes on her. This ship is my life, Dylan."

"I know that it won't be the 'Maru, but I'll get you a new ship, one that doesn't break down all the time. You don't have to worry about the money Beka. The 'Maru was lost in the service of the Commonwealth, it's only fair that she be replaced."

"The Eureka Maru is not lost." She sprang to her feet, eyes on fire. "And I'll find some way to fix it, with or without your help. Now get the hell off my ship!"

Dylan's first instinct was to comfort her, to put his arms around the way he used to with Sarah, but he resisted it. He knew that she would never let him see her crying, knew that nothing he could say would make this go away or make Beka feel better. He decided on a strategic withdrawal, give her time; let her accept, then mourn. He backed out slowly, Beka just stood there, fists clenched, body shaking. As Dylan left the flight deck he could hear hysterical laughter, or crying, he wasn't sure which.

*

Andromeda was becoming annoyed. A series of power fluctuations had been appearing at random, each time fragmenting her awareness across all her decks, doors opening and closing, lights flickering, the AG becoming erratic. She was having the AI equivalent of epilepsy, all her internal systems overloading and resetting, only to repeat the experience a few minutes later. She had successfully traced the problem to the power supply for her core functions, cause unknown but probably from an EM burst in her recent battle. Unfortunately her avatar was unable to enter the core in its present condition without incurring serious damage. She needed Harper in there.

She activated her hologram in hydroponics. Dylan was playing basketball solo again, a grim look on his face. He stood back and threw the ball, missing the hoop.

"Judging from your aim, you've told Captain Valentine. How is she taking the news?"

"Badly. Sometimes I hate this job." He let the ball bounce, and stared off into space. "The 'Maru was more than just a ship to her, it was like family." He smiled at her hologram. "I know how she feels."

Andromeda smiled at him, a sub-program that Dylan always seemed to trigger, no matter what. Then another power surge rippled across her main frame, glitching her hologram and flickering the lights again. Annoyance replaced the smile.

"Captain, this is becoming unbearable, these repeated surges are affecting my processors. With your permission I'm going to shut down my core AI, and switch all systems over to their emergency backup while Harper repairs the fault."

Dylan considered this. They were in enemy territory, but hidden in a remote and un-patrolled area. "Permission granted. How long should it take?"

"More than an hour." Andromeda looked distant for a moment as she located Harper. "Repairs should commence in five minutes." Then she smiled, and the hologram vanished.

Dylan sat down in the middle of hydroponics, surrounded the smell of growing things. He always found it comforting there. They all had their favourite spot on the ship when they wanted to think. Tyr brooded on the observation deck, Harper hid in engineering... and Beka had the 'Maru. Where would she go to now? He realised he had forgotten to tell her that Trance was gone. A sudden concern washed over him. Beka in her current state, all alone in medical. He might be doing her an injustice, but he couldn't take the chance of leaving her alone with the medicine cabinet open. He sprang to his feet, and began to walk swiftly to where he hoped she wouldn't be.

The main power cut out and switched over to the emergency systems as he reached the door of medical. All was dark and quiet inside.

"Beka? Are you there?" He stepped in. The room was only half lit, but he could see that two of Trance's pretty glass medicine bottles had been smashed against the far wall, pale liquids dribbling onto the floor. A slight sound made him look down. Hiding in the shadows under the medical couch was Beka.

"Trance wasn't here." Her knees were pulled up to her chin, head slumped down and her face hidden by her hair. She was shaking, and rocking slowly back and forth.

Dylan knelt silently beside her, and gently pushed the hair away from her face. She looked terrible but her eyes were blue, not flash-white. He smiled. "I hadn't got round to telling you. She's had to go away for a while, but she said she'd be back as soon as she could." He sat down next to her, his head bent to one side in the confined space. "I'm proud of you."

Beka didn't react, she just stared ahead. Dylan guessed that she might be in mild shock. He brushed the hair out of her eyes, she looked like she'd never slept. He put his arm around her and pulled her to him, bringing her to rest against his chest. She didn't look at him, but her face started to work itself, like she might cry anytime. Beka pushed against him, trying to hide her face.

"Let it go." Dylan rested his chin on her head, and held her closer.

"Big girls don't cry." She gave a small laugh that sounded more like a sob and pushed at him again, but not as hard.

"Especially not Beka Valentine." Dylan rocked her, bumping his head, but not saying anything.

"Damn right." She gave in and rested her head against him. "Dylan, I came so close..."

"But you didn't take the flash, you were strong. And if this didn't break you, nothing will."

Beka looked up at him and smiled slightly. "You always say the right thing, you know that? Is that part of Highguard training, or just something you picked up?"

"It's something I learned from Sarah."

There was a long silence, Beka staring dry-eyed into space. Dylan was starting to feel uncomfortable, this was not 'a professional distance' from his crew. Now might be a good time to move. "I don't know about you, but I could really do with a drink. Would you care to join me in the bar? I've got some three hundred year old Vedran brandy that I've managed to hide away. We could have a wake for the 'Maru."

"To the Eureka Maru, may she rest in peace." She sighed. "She really is broken, isn't she Dylan?" Beka rested her head against him again, trying to hide an escaped tear.

"Yes." There was nothing else he could say.

They sat huddled under the couch for several long minutes, Beka shaking silently against him. Eventually she shifted slightly to face him. What was he supposed to do now? Dylan tightened his arms around her. It might be unwise for a Highguard Captain to get this close to his FO, but was he really Highguard any more? The old Commonwealth was three hundred years dead. Maybe he should be less distant...

She kissed him.

<<Part 4 -- Part 6>>